This time I knew better. I wanted a midwife, or someone who would listen to me atleast. I wanted a water birth and I wanted to have the baby as natural as I could, while still being in a hospital. VA Beach served its purpose in that respect. I wish I lived there, just so I can have that birth experience again. I didnt get my water birth, but that is on me. I didnt find time to take the needed class, so my fault.
Everything else, was awesome. Midwives, atleast the ones I had, are more hands off, and allow you to participate in the whole pregnancy and birth experience. I got to check my urine and learn all about what is normal and not, I'd weigh myself.. Which also saved time, since I wasn't bouncing between nurse and doctor.
Anyways, fast forward to the day of Kylan's birth, which oddly enough both her and Fal were born 40 weeks and 2 days. Fal's EDD Aug 3, and she was born the 5th, Ky's EDD Jan 9th and she was born the 11th.
I wish I took more notes on time and everything, but I wasn't sure I was in labor and I was still taking care of Fal during this whole thing so its all guesses leading up to the hossy.
I tossed and turned the night before, but that's normal for me. I wake up around 6:30 and just feel off. I think I have the stomach flu, and quickly start alternating between toilet and bath tub for different kinds of relief. It really just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom.. It took me awhile to catch onto my contractions. :)
Fal wakes up at some point, and I am chasing her, and running to the bathroom still. Finally, I get it, and start timing contractions. At this point, I wake up David, and tell him i need help with Fal, because I am starting to be in alot of pain, and think I may be in labor.
Finally we call our friends to come watch Fal, since I am pretty sure we need to head to the hospital.
We get there around 3 pm. ( I think, I asked David, and his response was "im not sure what your asking me") I walked in, and they made me ride in the stupid wheelchair even though I asked to walk. We had to go through emergency since it was a Sunday. I get to the labor ward, and I talk to the nurse, who says the midwife will be there soon to check me, but they are probably going to send me home, since they have never seen anyone be able to speak so calmly while in labor., Turns out I am already 4cm and the midwife asks to break my water. I agree and off we go. I start off walking around, and then trying different positions in bed and using counter pressure to deal with the pain. I had bad back labor with Kylan, and ended up in the shower, on a labor ball, as my last ditch effort before getting an epidural. The nurse really tried to reason with me, she said I only have about a half hour left til I push this baby out, and to just wait it out. Looking back, I probably could, but in that moment, I was done, and exhausted.
I had my epidural, which always makes me loopy, but they gave me such a low dose, that when kylan was born shortly after at 8:13pm, I was able to get up and walk around. I didnt tear or need cutting, which makes me wonder how Kylan who was bigger was able to leave me in one piece and Fal wasnt...
Kylan was 7.8lbs and 19.75 inches long, they placed her right on me, and I was able to nurse almost as soon as they did.
This birthing experience was so different and so was the recovery. I was up and eating shortly after, I wasnt catherter except for the actually pushing part. I got up and showered, and was able to pick Kylan up without needing someone to hand her to me (which happened with fal, since I couldnt move)
I was discharged with baby in tow, exactly 24ish hours after I had her. Fal and David visited several times after I had Kylan.. including at 1am that night.
I won't ever go back to a traditional hospital birth now.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Why I will never have a "normal" hospital birth again.
Basically this will be Falynn's birth story. I havent ever really told anyone my perspective of my birth with Falynn. I never felt the need too, other than trying to warn people against going the traditional route. I always thought your birth story had to be a homebirth, were you were empowered and did it yourself. But really any story of giving birth, is a birth story.
40 weeks, I go for my normal weekly checkup. I am told I have protein in my urine and my blood pressure is high, combine that with the 5-7 pounds of water weight I had gained in a week, and apparantly, it is recipe for concern. I am told I need to be delivering now/soon. If they had an opening at the hospital then, I would have been sent there immediately. I was panicked and excited to meet my baby girl.
2 days later, I had a scheduled induction. I went in at 7pm the night of the 4th. I was told to eat before coming in, because that would be my last meal til after the baby was born. Little did I know, I wouldn't be able to eat for several days, because I was so sick and out of it.
I was given cervadil to help ripen my cervix, and then at 3am, I was 3cm and they issued Pitocin. Up until that point, I knew I wanted to try for as natural as it could be, and I was handling it well. They broke my water, and had to do it twice. That skyrocketed my pain, to the point, I got the shakes, and couldnt control my body temp or my shaking. I was in so much pain. So at 3cm, I demanded an epidural. I just remember being young, scared and in pain.
I get my epidural and start feeling better, but also feel completely out of it. The epidural made me sick, so I was also given an anti-puking drug. I am now, completely out of it, but I guess I am able to sleep and I progress in peace. Not really the way I envisioned my labor with Falynn.
Fast forward to 1:40ish, I am finally 10cm and ready to start pushing. I think yes, pretty soon I will meet my little one. Noone told me, it would take an exhausting 2 hours to push Falynn out, and I would be on oxygen, begging for a C-section. One of my last pushes, my doctor says, its better to be cut and get the baby out in this next push, because I am going to tear anyways. Right before I have Falynn, they up my dose of epidural again, even though I requested to be taken off of it. I was numb for hours. It was scary. At 3:43 Falynn is born. She was tiny, 6.13 oz, and 19.5 inches long.
I barely get a glimpse of her, before they rush her off, because her coloring isnt right. Im spread eagle, Being sewn from hole to hole, and have yet to see my baby. I remember yelling at my mom,stop saying how cute she is, and stop describing her, I want to see her myself.
Finally, I am able to see and breastfeed Falynn. Really, that makes it all worth it. But looking back, I felt robbed of a better birth experience.
I was transferred to a tiny room, just waiting to be discharged. But instead, I was kept on a catherter for 3 days after, dispite my pleading, and begging to take it out. I knew I had the ablitily to relieve myself, but noone would believe me. So I was kept cathertered til the day I was discharged. Screw 6 weeks, It took months to not be in pain, and even longer to be able to have sex.
I knew that the next pregnancy and labor would be different, because I would never allow my body to go through something that traumatizing again. :)
40 weeks, I go for my normal weekly checkup. I am told I have protein in my urine and my blood pressure is high, combine that with the 5-7 pounds of water weight I had gained in a week, and apparantly, it is recipe for concern. I am told I need to be delivering now/soon. If they had an opening at the hospital then, I would have been sent there immediately. I was panicked and excited to meet my baby girl.
2 days later, I had a scheduled induction. I went in at 7pm the night of the 4th. I was told to eat before coming in, because that would be my last meal til after the baby was born. Little did I know, I wouldn't be able to eat for several days, because I was so sick and out of it.
I was given cervadil to help ripen my cervix, and then at 3am, I was 3cm and they issued Pitocin. Up until that point, I knew I wanted to try for as natural as it could be, and I was handling it well. They broke my water, and had to do it twice. That skyrocketed my pain, to the point, I got the shakes, and couldnt control my body temp or my shaking. I was in so much pain. So at 3cm, I demanded an epidural. I just remember being young, scared and in pain.
I get my epidural and start feeling better, but also feel completely out of it. The epidural made me sick, so I was also given an anti-puking drug. I am now, completely out of it, but I guess I am able to sleep and I progress in peace. Not really the way I envisioned my labor with Falynn.
Fast forward to 1:40ish, I am finally 10cm and ready to start pushing. I think yes, pretty soon I will meet my little one. Noone told me, it would take an exhausting 2 hours to push Falynn out, and I would be on oxygen, begging for a C-section. One of my last pushes, my doctor says, its better to be cut and get the baby out in this next push, because I am going to tear anyways. Right before I have Falynn, they up my dose of epidural again, even though I requested to be taken off of it. I was numb for hours. It was scary. At 3:43 Falynn is born. She was tiny, 6.13 oz, and 19.5 inches long.
I barely get a glimpse of her, before they rush her off, because her coloring isnt right. Im spread eagle, Being sewn from hole to hole, and have yet to see my baby. I remember yelling at my mom,stop saying how cute she is, and stop describing her, I want to see her myself.
Finally, I am able to see and breastfeed Falynn. Really, that makes it all worth it. But looking back, I felt robbed of a better birth experience.
I was transferred to a tiny room, just waiting to be discharged. But instead, I was kept on a catherter for 3 days after, dispite my pleading, and begging to take it out. I knew I had the ablitily to relieve myself, but noone would believe me. So I was kept cathertered til the day I was discharged. Screw 6 weeks, It took months to not be in pain, and even longer to be able to have sex.
I knew that the next pregnancy and labor would be different, because I would never allow my body to go through something that traumatizing again. :)
Monday, September 5, 2011
Dearest Children,
I am writing this, on the chance that one day, my babies will look back and read all these old posts.
I love you! I have always loved you, and will always love you. Everything I have every done for you, was done in love. I will always be here for you, good or bad. I always wish you well. I hope you succeed and go far in life. As your mom, I often feel guilty about the desicions I make or don't make on how to raise you. I often feel that I am doing it wrong, or that you are missing out. I, will then, try to compensate this, by going off the deep end in the other direction. It may feel like a rollercoaster, while living with me. You may see me cry, and then laugh all in the same breath. This is because I only want the best for you, and watching you grow and achieve that, brings me unspeakable joy that is tainted with a teeny bit of sadness. You may find me tearing up over baby pictures, sit with me and listen. I promise to tell you about how much of an angel child you were to raise. No matter how much stress you brought me, all is forgiven, and you are a blessing. I forgive easily, and frequently have my heart broken. I love unconditionally, and protect animalisticly. (Geez, I hope that's a word)
You see, I didn't go on to study and get a degree. I knew from a young age, that my life was to be devoted to you. I wanted and couldn't wait to have you. I was blessed at an early age, and it hasn't always been easy. Life has been up and down for me too, but when I see you smile, I know, everything is right.
I promise to parent you, as best as I know how. I promise to always reflect on how to improve my parenting. I can't promise I won't make mistakes, I am human. I promise not to make them twice though. I promise to always be here, and ready to help you. Life won't be always be easy, but you don't have to be alone. I will always be your mom, and I hope that I can be a friend as you journey and navigate your way through life. I love you beyond words, God truely blessed me with you miracles. Thank you Lord for them!
Love,
Momma!
I love you! I have always loved you, and will always love you. Everything I have every done for you, was done in love. I will always be here for you, good or bad. I always wish you well. I hope you succeed and go far in life. As your mom, I often feel guilty about the desicions I make or don't make on how to raise you. I often feel that I am doing it wrong, or that you are missing out. I, will then, try to compensate this, by going off the deep end in the other direction. It may feel like a rollercoaster, while living with me. You may see me cry, and then laugh all in the same breath. This is because I only want the best for you, and watching you grow and achieve that, brings me unspeakable joy that is tainted with a teeny bit of sadness. You may find me tearing up over baby pictures, sit with me and listen. I promise to tell you about how much of an angel child you were to raise. No matter how much stress you brought me, all is forgiven, and you are a blessing. I forgive easily, and frequently have my heart broken. I love unconditionally, and protect animalisticly. (Geez, I hope that's a word)
You see, I didn't go on to study and get a degree. I knew from a young age, that my life was to be devoted to you. I wanted and couldn't wait to have you. I was blessed at an early age, and it hasn't always been easy. Life has been up and down for me too, but when I see you smile, I know, everything is right.
I promise to parent you, as best as I know how. I promise to always reflect on how to improve my parenting. I can't promise I won't make mistakes, I am human. I promise not to make them twice though. I promise to always be here, and ready to help you. Life won't be always be easy, but you don't have to be alone. I will always be your mom, and I hope that I can be a friend as you journey and navigate your way through life. I love you beyond words, God truely blessed me with you miracles. Thank you Lord for them!
Love,
Momma!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Stress part2
I felt the need to post this too. I was lying on the floor in Fal's room, having an internal meltdown.
Fal has been becoming more defiant lately, but she really made me crazy today. After I asked her, for maybe the 6th time not to touch the wet paint on the walls.. She drags her toes across the wall and leaves huge streaks. I tell her (not so nicely) to get away from me, and go watch tv. A minute later, I hear Kylan. Yep, Fal went and woke her up. (increasing the stress I had already been feeling) I put Fal in time out, and Kylan comes with me. This begins a 30+ minute screaming fit, Fal feels the need to throw. This also cues, my fight or flight instinct. I almost always pick flight when it comes to stress. I give up, lay on the floor, and feel defeated. I can't speak anymore. I lay there listening to my breathing, feeling panicked, feeling hurt, but mostly feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife. I am picturing the mess from lunch downstairs still waiting for me to pick it up. I think of the green paint, already poured waiting to be applied to the walls, the dinner that hasn't been started. Then I picture David, coming home to find a wife who hasn't done anything but give up on parenting today, because I have reached my breaking point.
Stress always beats me. I used to have anxiety attacks, bad ones, and when my body couldnt handle them anymore, I started passing out from stress.. That's how I feel today. I feel beaten down, and ashamed. I let my body win again. Fal's asleep, it's silent in my head finally, and all I can think about, is blogging. It seems to be my only form of stress relief these days. :/
Fal has been becoming more defiant lately, but she really made me crazy today. After I asked her, for maybe the 6th time not to touch the wet paint on the walls.. She drags her toes across the wall and leaves huge streaks. I tell her (not so nicely) to get away from me, and go watch tv. A minute later, I hear Kylan. Yep, Fal went and woke her up. (increasing the stress I had already been feeling) I put Fal in time out, and Kylan comes with me. This begins a 30+ minute screaming fit, Fal feels the need to throw. This also cues, my fight or flight instinct. I almost always pick flight when it comes to stress. I give up, lay on the floor, and feel defeated. I can't speak anymore. I lay there listening to my breathing, feeling panicked, feeling hurt, but mostly feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife. I am picturing the mess from lunch downstairs still waiting for me to pick it up. I think of the green paint, already poured waiting to be applied to the walls, the dinner that hasn't been started. Then I picture David, coming home to find a wife who hasn't done anything but give up on parenting today, because I have reached my breaking point.
Stress always beats me. I used to have anxiety attacks, bad ones, and when my body couldnt handle them anymore, I started passing out from stress.. That's how I feel today. I feel beaten down, and ashamed. I let my body win again. Fal's asleep, it's silent in my head finally, and all I can think about, is blogging. It seems to be my only form of stress relief these days. :/
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Painting!!
At precisely 8:30 am, this morning I was woken up by Falynn screaming "Hands!! HANDS!!!Hands::".. She really hates to be messy. I open my eyes to this.
Of course, I am still half asleep and panicing, wondering what she destroyed this morning while I was dreaming away.
I was upset, as I raced upstairs to where the paint was stored. Of course, her wall looks like this...I am annoyed that I have to repaint that area now. But mostly, I am impressed at how incredibely smart my 2 year old. She is a schemer, she snuck past where I was sleeping, without waking me up, and plotted out what she was going to do. Theres atleast a half hour worth of painting there. Then she came back downstairs and woke me up. She is something else, and thats saying it nicely. :)
I was upset, as I raced upstairs to where the paint was stored. Of course, her wall looks like this...I am annoyed that I have to repaint that area now. But mostly, I am impressed at how incredibely smart my 2 year old. She is a schemer, she snuck past where I was sleeping, without waking me up, and plotted out what she was going to do. Theres atleast a half hour worth of painting there. Then she came back downstairs and woke me up. She is something else, and thats saying it nicely. :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
A day in the life of me.
As I write this, Kylan is eating some random packaging, and Fal is licking the label off of a woolie wash package. :)
I get to wake up next to these beauties everyday. I love co-sleeping.
A little effort goes a long way, Falynn finds the lollipops.
When you can't find chapstick, a glue stick is the next best thing.
Who needs a dog, when you have a baby sister
Time-Out!
Making some indescribely good cooked air.
There are times that she is quiet, and it isn't because she is doing something naughty.
Lunch!
More Play time.
Movie Time. Today we watched Rio.
And then there are times when she is quiet, and it is because she is doing something naughty.
Falynn's eating a burger, and Kylan is eating giraffe.
Bed time, will follow soon on a good day.
There is lots of laughing, snuggling, and occasional yelling thrown in. Its hard to keep prespective and not let the day stress me out, when I am going through it. Falynn is potty training, and Kylan is fast. I can barely keep up with them and my housework, but at the end of the day, I am blessed beyond belief. God would never give me something I couldn't handle, and I try to remind myself that throughout the day. I love my children, and I love my job. I am so thankful and proud of how hard my husband works, to provide the life he does for our family. I couldnt imagine having to leave my babies everyday and miss all the quirky fun stuff that goes on during the day. I wouldn't just miss them, I would miss them growing up and growing into who they are meant to be. My children don't need the newest things, and I don't need anymore than what I have.
I have slowly been coming to the realization that I already have more than I need. I am trying to simplify my life, and my material possessions, so that I may truely enjoy what I have. I have been blessed and I hope I can set a good example for my daughters, on how to be a mom, a wife, and a loving person.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
August 18th
Today we painted outside. I truely love watching Falynn. She always amazes me with how much she knows and how creative she is. I tend to underestimate her because she is still slow to speak. She has a huge imagination and she has an even bigger personality. Geez, I love her!!
We painted layer after layer on the canvases, and and even a couple layers on ourselves. Painting wouldnt be as fun, if you had to be neat. This is how they came out. I love them, mostly because Falynn did them, with a little bit of help from me.
I just had to put this last picture in here, because I finally mastered a back carry by myself. I am so happy!! Now Kylan does have to whimper at my pant legs, as I'm doing my chores. I always feel so bad, but she senses I'm in the middle of something, and needs me that instant. Ugh!! Now we can do our womenly jobs together. lol
We painted layer after layer on the canvases, and and even a couple layers on ourselves. Painting wouldnt be as fun, if you had to be neat. This is how they came out. I love them, mostly because Falynn did them, with a little bit of help from me.
I just had to put this last picture in here, because I finally mastered a back carry by myself. I am so happy!! Now Kylan does have to whimper at my pant legs, as I'm doing my chores. I always feel so bad, but she senses I'm in the middle of something, and needs me that instant. Ugh!! Now we can do our womenly jobs together. lol
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